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posted on May 30th, 2017

THE WELL-OILED MACHINES OF POLITICAL INTRIGUE

Everyone’s favorite double-crossing, silver-tongued snake returns to the airwaves tonight — Frank Underwood is back, in all his frightening glory with the fifth season of Netflix’s hit series, House of Cards. To celebrate the return of Frank’s power grabs, Remy and Jackie’s torrid love affair, and Claire’s Fierce-with-a-capital-f black pumps sexily stomping the soul out of Washington, we’ve elected the cars that best represent this entertainingly cynical and seething representation of American democracy. After all, as President Underwood once said, democracy is so overrated.

It only takes 10 seconds to crush a man’s ambitions

Frank Underwood: 1973 Fiat 850 Spider

Yes, President Underwood, played by the charismatically terrifying (terrifyingly charismatic?) Kevin Spacey, is literally the worst. He’s conniving, backstabbing, ruthlessly self-interested, and the Machiavellian crowned prince of duplicity. And yet he has a couple Achilles heels that give him an iota of empathy. He has a clear soft spot for Claire, and arguably for the gnawing nostalgia of his lost rapscallion youth. For his chameleon character, his calculated, mechanical interior, his yearning to be a well-liked cool guy, and his Machiavellian — and hence, Italian-adjacent — inclinations, his spirit car in Rodrigo’s vintage Fiat 850 Spider.

Rodrigo’s 1973 Fiat 850 Spider, Bethesda, MD

Claire Underwood: Porsche 911

Sleek, elegant, and impeccably put together, Claire’s indomitable spirit is embodied in Kareem’s sophisticated black Porsche 911. This Dallas debutante easily wears four-inch Christian Louboutins and binding pencil skirts for 12-hour stints, effortlessly emanates the caring politician’s wife vibe, and is a role model for doggedly pragmatic businesswomen everywhere. All while semi-secretly sustaining a steamy affair, and abetting her crooked husband’s political agenda à la Lady Macbeth.

Kareem’s Porsche 911, Irving, TX

Doug Stamper: Toyota Corolla

Unflappably loyal, President Underwood’s Chief of Staff is this lone Corolla ruminating on existential quandaries in an abandoned parking structure. Doug’s steady, reliable, disciplined, and modest, but he’s also occasionally volatile. Don’t you dare cross him — he’ll avenge any assault on his pride or Frank’s integrity and you’ll pay the ultimate price. Case in point: Rachel Posner.

Moses’ Toyota Corolla, Fairfax, VA

Remy Danton: Chevrolet Camaro

Serious and somewhat stern, Remy is all buttoned-up business — most of the time. He’s neither above the web of Washington intrigue, nor is he morally adroit, but he’s got an undeniable coolness about him that gives him magnetic allure. And his sweet love for Jackie Sharp lends him a certain endearing je ne sais quoi. Kinda like this burgundy Camaro — powerful yet subdued, commanding yet playful, heavy yet surprisingly nimble.

Nana’s Chevy Camaro, Woodbridge, VA

Jackie Sharp: BMW i8

Jackie is a bad b. She’s just as willing to get her hands dirty as the rest of them, but she does it with a bit more style and poise than the average politico. So what’s this House minority whip’s spirit whip? The BMW i8, with the chutzpah and acceleration of a rocket ship, the well-considered engineering that is so quintessentially German, and the type of doors that make passersby do a double-take.

Victor’s BMW i8, Washington, DC

Raymond Tusk: Ford F-150

From humble Steel Belt beginnings to billionaire tycoon, Raymond Tusk has famously modest tastes considering his well-to-do-ness — just like his real-life inspiration, Warren Buffett. He’s vociferously American, has incredible business acumen, and knows how to play his political hands as well as he can finagle a late-night game of Texas Holdem.

Dan’s Ford F-150, St. Louis, MO

Edward Meechum: Cadillac Escalade

Ah, Meechum. Gentle like a lamb, but tough as nails. This soft-spoken Secret Service body man for the Underwoods is a consummate professional, just like this motorcade-ready Cadillac Escalade, Meechum’s spirit car. It’s tall, dark, and handsome, sophisticated but also a bit baller, and has a roomy enough back seat to get a little wild with Frank and Claire after hours, should the occasion arise.

Sang’s Cadillac Escalade ESV, Annandale, VA
Hero image courtesy of Netflix

Megan is the copywriter and content tsarina at Turo. She lives to wander near and far, never met a beach (or dog) she didn’t like, and loves to talk postmodern lit and theory to anyone who’ll listen.