WHICH CARS THE DUBS’ STARTERS WOULD BE
The NBA Finals are here, and to nobody’s surprise, the Golden State Warriors will meet the Cleveland Cavaliers in a rematch. The Warriors cruised through the season, finishing with the best record in the league while breaking all the records. In the name of science, we’ve conducted extensive research to find out just which cars these Warriors would be if they were listed on our market.
Stephen Curry: Porsche 911 GT3
Steph is a bona fide megastar, two-time MVP, and the greatest shooter of all time (it’s safe to say this now, right?). He’s relatively unassuming in street clothes, but sells out every stadium he visits and breaks his own three-point record every season now. He’s the man. The Porsche 911 GT3 is the do-it-all supercar that perfectly fits the ludicrously prodigious talent of the Bay’s golden boy. Both are lightning quick, high-powered, and light on their toes. Unmatched handling and a compact size make the GT3 a slippery little monster to keep up with. Visually, it even has the stealthy grace of the baby-faced assassin’s playstyle, though by now every opponent knows how problematic Curry can be on the floor. Thanks to his father Dell, Steph has the built-in pedigree of previous generations, just like the 911.
Draymond Green: Jeep Cherokee
Draymond Green is the Swiss army knife of basketball. He is one of the NBA’s premier defenders, an elite playmaker, and has the strongest trash talk game in the league. His rugged capability matches the Jeep Cherokee’s reliable beef on these fronts. Like Draymond, the Cherokee will eagerly tackle any obstacle you put in its way. It has all the tools you need to get the job done and isn’t afraid to get dirty along the way. It’s not terribly big for an SUV, but Draymond the Cherokee routinely out-muscles more imposing giants. Then he’ll tell you about it.
Kevin Durant: BMW 6 Series Gran Coupe
Kevin Durant is an anomaly in more ways than one. He is a seven-foot forward with world-class guard skills. His crazy long limbs and skinny frame disguise the power of his punch and fluidity of his jump shot. BMW’s 6 Series is a full-size GT coupe, and comes in a four-door variant called the Gran Coupe. With its long sloping body and luxurious cruising ability, the 6 Series Gran Coupe defies traditional categorization. This 650i rocks a mean 4.4L V8 and will make mincemeat of smaller luxury GT cars. With the addition of KD this year, the Warriors have been historically dominant and a nightmare for the rest of the league.
Klay Thompson: Tesla Model S
The coolest customer on the court would have to be the Tesla Model S. Klay Thompson is one of the deadliest shooters in the game, but a smoother and quieter all-star you will not find. The Model S is startlingly quick, especially since it lacks an engine. It wafts along comfortably around town, making no noise and only drawing attention because of its sleek novelty. Early in Klay’s career, some fans wondered if he would turn out to be a one-trick-pony. But after his rookie season in 2012, Klay was confirmed as a real and versatile threat. Similarly, the first Model S cars, delivered in 2012, proved to be excellent and established Tesla as a real player.
Javale McGee: Ford F-150
Javale McGee is a huge person. It is ridiculous that a human his size exists, especially considering Javale’s equally ridiculous athleticism. The Michigan native is in his ninth NBA season and has been around the block a few times. Javale is known for making clumsy blunders here and there, but he knows his role, which is to be really tall and really long. He isn’t always needed, but when he’s on the court, nobody works as hard as Javale does. The Ford F-150 has also been around for a long time, also hails from Michigan, and is also very big. One does not always need an F-150 (unless you ask a Texan), but it is a certified workhorse and will reliably put in effort to get the job done. Javale has cut back significantly on Shaqtin’ a fool this year — hopefully it pays off in the form of some new jewelry.